The Hard and Wonderful Things We’ve Learned This Year.

Today is Thanksgiving. Well, not when you’re reading this. But, when I’m writing this. 

I’m sitting alone out on my back porch overlooking our tropical backyard. It’s pouring rain. The pitter patter of the water hitting our gutters offers me the type of soundtrack you often bought back in the day when The Nature Store existed. 

Remember that store? 

It was all about earth: its animals, nature and conservation. I bought a Thunderstorms CD back in the day. 7th grade to be exact. (Why the HELL do I remember that, but not what I had for breakfast this morning?) I bought it so I could concentrate while I studied.

Because, for me, studying and being a good student was of utmost importance then. 

So much so that I bought a freakin’ CD of nature sounds to help me study. At 13!

But today the soundtrack is real-life rain, in my own backyard on the Big Island of Hawaii.

Wonder what that 13 year old girl would think of me today? Hope she’d be proud. Life is bizarre y’all. 

I’ve also been playing this particular song on repeat for the last couple weeks, but especially the last few days. 

In fact, it’s playing now while I write this amongst the pitter patter backdrop of rain.

I’ve been participating in NanoWriMo with the Write Like a Mofo crew this whole month of November. It’s basically where you sit down to write every day for 30 days and hopefully bang out a novel. The average novel is 50,000 words. So some people will set their word count for that. I’ve been writing my blogs, newsletters and new sales pages for Not Your Average Gal. This year I aimed for my word count to be 30,000 words. 

Currently I’m at 23,102 words.

(Spoiler Alert: I hit over 31,000 words.)

What we’ve found as a group, especially if you’re writing a memoir or long-form blogs, is that this whole process can be emotional and cathartic all at once. Writing is the best kind of bitch, you guys.

This particular song has hit a nerve with me especially after writing so much in the last few weeks.

This has been the hardest year for me professionally at Not Your Average Gal. I’ve grown leaps and bounds in terms of knowing what works and doesn’t. Knowing what values I want this business to emulate. Knowing that even if my bottom line doesn’t reflect it, I know how to bust ass.

It has also easily been one of the toughest personally for me in my everyday life. The drudgery of an ongoing pandemic has seeped its way into relationships and mental health.

Having the song play on repeat reminds me that I’m not alone in that.

I’m also not alone in the optimism that next year is gonna be better than this either.

That I can simultaneously be so incredibly grateful for all we have, all we’ve worked for and also, be feeling quite depleted and burnt out, wanting this year to be Over. Yes, with a capital O.

As a writer, I can’t say it any more eloquently than this.

It’s been really, really hard.

In so many different facets, ways and moments.

I’ve learned a lot from the hard and wonderful experiences of this year and while I was writing this, I realized how universal these lessons and feelings are. So I wrote this with you in mind too.

If we don’t learn from them, we’re doomed to repeat them and man, I am NOT letting that happen.

I believe next years gonna be better than this year.

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The Hard and Wonderful Things We’ve Learned this Year.

People are going to people

I’ve been volunteering at community vaccination clinics since the FDA and CDC approved them. It has been an incredibly rewarding experience, reminding me that people generally want to take care of themselves and their community. When science suddenly became something that was divisive, when my husband’s expert opinion and lived-experience was up for debate, I fell into a deep hole of doubting the good in the world.

Much like many, many other people were experiencing, I felt my heart sink each time after seeing misinformation spread and vile, chest-beating slogans be hurled towards school boards, teachers and healthcare workers, including my husband.

Then, this month we were able to start giving vaccines to children and I watched hundreds of children come through our clinic. Some are super excited, skipping through the lines; happy to be able to get back to playdates and sports. Others nervously and understandably looked for reassurance, which I was happy to give.

As I was manning the door directing everyone where they should go, a gentleman walked up to me asking if he could leave through the doorway I was standing in front of.

It was thoroughfare that was clearly marked by a sign “Not an Exit.” I said it wasn’t a problem, because I like a good rule breaker.

“Okay. Thank you. I don’t want to leave out the real exit and deal with those people. They make me uncomfortable.”

I didn’t know what he meant as I had arrived there earlier than the clinic opened to help set up, so I missed seeing the protesters outside. 

I asked the National Guard personnel if there were protesters and they nodded, pointing to where they were outside. I asked if people could use the door I was standing in front of as an exit and they said it was no problem. Later in the shift they asked me to find a manager to deal with the protestors as they were getting a bit more brazen.

At a kids vaccination clinic.

It immediately infuriated me.

I felt so much of what I’ve felt this entire year. How? Why? I can’t explain science to people this determined to misunderstand. 

But, what changed that day is a testament to what we’ve all gone through.

I could have gotten wrapped up in the small group protesting outside, yelling at people leaving a clinic after getting vaccinated…or I could remind myself that hundreds more walked through those doors. Many with goofy grins and toothless smiles. (The kids, you guys.)

The good outweighs the bad. 

I’ll forever believe that. 

The moment I start sinking into that rabbit hole that it doesn’t, I need to make a hard pause and reevaluate.

Worth isn’t tied to productivity

Corporate Caroline still lives within me. To the point that sometimes I will literally sit at my desk without a task to do or waiting on a response from someone, just so I can pride myself on “looking productive.” Anyone who has worked in the business world (or a cubical farm) knows that if you have a boss that admires hours in the office vs. actual productivity, you are required to sit even when you may be done with your tasks. A lot of busy work is waiting around for responses and cleaning up your inbox or literally finding more work.

That mindset is why so many of us feel the burnout. 

If I’m done by noon on some days, I will feel this urge to still be at my desk and find things to do. It’s a product of Corporate Caroline’s past, as well as knowing there will always be something else on my to-do list that could get done. The lists are literally never-ending. Once you’ve crossed something off, you couuuuuulllllld go and look for that thing that you wanted to explore for your business or outline goals months and years out, brainstorm ideas for your next viral TikTok. As business owners and entrepreneurs, we know this. So we tie ourselves to the productivity train.

But it isn’t productive. It actually works against us to constantly feel that there is something else better to do than rest or create for the fun of it or—gasp!—do nothing.

Especially as you’ll see in what else I learned this year below, when you don’t hit your financial goals, the tendency is to buckle down and work harder, be more productive—produce, produce, produce!

And while there is shred truth behind that, it isn’t the end-all be-all, only prescriptive solution for how we fill our days. 

Some of my best business ideas have come from a long run.

Some of my hardest-hitting written pieces have come during a vacation.

Some of the most productive work I do is literally on a plane back from said vacation.

There is a very real reward for rest: the space it allows for being a more productive you.

I have to write HARD STOP time in my daily planner and estimate the time that I will shut my laptop closed based on the tasks at hand that day. Do I usually hit it? Heck no. But when I find myself scrolling or opening another tab because of this idea I had or thing I needed to buy or event I needed to look up…it’s mindless time spent.

I know I’m not making the best use of my time and just trying to fill my time with “productivity.”

Being very intentional with my work time is something I’ve worked on this year and will be proactive about in the next.

Our value isn’t a bottom line

The pandemic has decimated small businesses and while gratefully I didn’t see a huge impact the first year, this year has been a bit different. The first things cut in budgets are usually advertising and marketing, so it’s understandable. 

I also felt more lost at the beginning of the year than ever. It’s no small feat moving from Florida to Michigan to Hawaii while maintaining a business and generally, my flexibility was key. I’ve survived, even if it means putting in the same grit and effort to often work more for less income than years past. 

My husband’s income is key currently and that really hurts the soul of someone who once took pride in how much she earned and how much she was contributing to the household when he didn’t have one while in medical training. It has affected my self-worth. Still does some days, to be honest. 

As a business owner, you are constantly battling the thought that you could be doing more while also not burning yourself out so much that you don’t want to come back to your laptop in the morning.

Add in a pandemic and man, that’s been rough. There is always, always, always something more to do or more to learn about doing things more efficiently. Always.

So if you don’t stop to take care of yourself, you’ll find yourself crying over broken glass in your kitchen at 10pm at night. (You can read about that here.)

During this wake up call, I had to remind myself time and time again that my worth isn’t dependent on the bottom line. I’m a valuable freakin’ person with or without the money I bring into our household. You are too.

There’s beauty in still getting up, being determined to make this business work when the numbers at the end of your Quickbooks financials aren’t where you want them to be. There’s a grit in that. So often that’s overlooked by landing the big deals. Those are the things to celebrate, right?

But what about getting up knowing today will look exactly like yesterday during a pandemic and still putting in the purposeful effort of trying to make your business work?

Damn, we should celebrate that more.

Slowing down to speed up

I think this is a book. Yup. Actually it is. During frantic days where I feel like my mind is racing with what to do next, I have to tell myself, outloud, “Slow down.”

When I’m rushing to make a sandwich to get back to my desk and frantically finding the bread and lunch meat and cheese and pickles and spicy mustard and knife and plate and…how can we do this faster…and put the sandwich together and put the items back in the fridge and do you want a Diet Coke or no, I should have more water and wait, I forgot to add the cheese! 

In the midst of trying to get all the items back in the fridge I inevitably drop something and spend more time cleaning up the mess than if I had just taken a hot second to make a sandwich. 

“Slow down, Caroline.”

This goes for tasks I think will take FOR-ever and actually don’t. If I tell myself to slow down, allot an hour to do it as slowly as I want, it usually doesn’t ever even take close to that.

We live in a society where we’re judged on how much we get done during a day and this creates such an unnecessary narrative in our heads about moving faster and being more efficient and DID YOU ALSO PUT YOUR ORDER IN FOR CHRISTMAS PIES?! Go! Go! Go!

Phew.

Slow down. 

Nature is healing

As we haven’t been able to gather in large groups in Hawaii since we moved here, I’ve found solace in the alone time of the beauty of where I live. It could be a walk in my neighborhood. Run in the park. Hiking around cliffs. This year more than others, I’ve realized how much I need to be outdoors to feel a sense of wonder and without sounding too woo, healing. Planting your feet in the grass. Smelling plumeria. Picking the monster Meyer lemons off your lemon tree.

It’s grounding. It reminds you how magical this world is and also simultaneously how small you are in this universe. 

Plus, I live on an island where a literal volcano is erupting. Have you ever heard lava moving? I have. It sounds like a methodical whooshing, like a waterfall in slow motion. THAT’S INCREDIBLE. How lucky are we to live on a planet with such remarkable events?

When times get hairy, as they certainly have for every single person on earth this year, it helps to just simply go outside. This is also coming from a person who used to live in the Arctic Tundra, so I know heading out in the cold isn’t exactly awesome. But, even standing on your deck or patio or front steps for a couple minutes, taking it in, is grounding.

Relationships can survive thousands of miles

A huge worry of mine when we moved to Florida for medical school back in 2012, was that the distance would impact some of my friendships. In some instances, it did. But more often than not, those tried and true relationships lasted. 

But a move to Hawaii? 4,500 miles and 5 time zones away? It was a concern, but I’m so grateful for the friends that have bridged the distance and even flown here to visit us! We are incredibly lucky to have such a solid crew that will make the time and effort.

And sends us hilarious pics and videos of their kids asking when they can come to Hawaii. 

Bless.

Now, more than ever, as we bridge the gaps of miles, politics and even the seasons of life, it’s critical to have a solid circle. More often than not, it’s to remind you that you aren’t crazy, but also because this life thing isn’t for the faint of heart. You don’t need a huge crew to remind you either! Knowing that you have even one friend you can both laugh and cry with is soul-healing.

Art is necessary

Fun fact: I used to work in the Art History department at Michigan State University. I even took enough Art History classes that I considered making it my minor. 

When I was younger and laying out my 4-year plan for high school, because that’s what you do when you’re an overachiever, I had put in enough Art classes to take AP art my senior year in high school. My mother encouraged me to not do that and put in more “practical” classes. She wasn’t wrong necessarily, but I really feel a deep connection to art and wonder what my life would feel like with more of it in it.

Cue to this year.

I literally put in my schedule: make art.

Anything from abstract paintings to drawing of pictures I took in Hong Kong and even just staring out my office window wondering what the hell I could create. I don’t have any particularly formal training aside from elementary and middle school classes, but simply creating does something to my heart that can’t be put into words.

When people talk about getting “in the zone” with their work or even in sports, I think of my time creating art. I get so in the zone that I often forget about time. 

You are not everyone’s cup of tea

I mean, this is the theme of Not Your Average Gal, right? Living your life on your own terms, even if it’s waaaaaay beyond the average path people take. 

Someone may not like me, a post I put up, a blog I wrote or hell, that I have an opinion that may be different from theirs.

That’s going to happen and sometimes people are surprised by my response to it.

Okay. Good for them. 

More specifically: Good for Her. Not for Me.

(I’ve written about this for years. Here. Here. And here.)

Curate your life, your feed, your circle, your friends, your family, your work, your everyday life into something you love! 

And if that doesn’t include me or you, that’s okay.

Does it sometimes leave me scratching my head because I’m a ball of freakin’ fun? Sure. Does it sometimes hurt? Sure.

But it’s not up to me to figure out why someone may talk behind my back, or even block, mute, delete or stop talking to me in real life. 

Guess what? It’s not up to you either.

You don’t need to waste your time and breath and your precious heart on why people…people. If someone wants to chat with you about it, they will. And for that, come with an open heart and mind. 

Otherwise? Not my circus. Not my monkeys.

Learning not to take something personally unless it’s personally brought to you, is a masterclass in relationships and interpersonal communication.

It also frees up a heck of a lot of time and energy better spent on kinder pursuits.

This year showed me now, more than ever, how important this is considering the divisive environment and quick-to-respond tendencies hurt people are having during a literal pandemic.

Offer grace. Wish them well.

And live your damn life. 

Psst. Sometimes this is exactly what pisses people off. You know, smiling and enjoying your life.

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I know it’s easy to write off 2021 and I certainly have done as much several times this year.

Sod off, 2021! (Yeah, I yell in an English accent.)

It’s given us a lot of pause to consider what and who is important to us. It wouldn’t be me if I didn’t at least try to put together some semblance of what we can collectively learn from it. 

I know 2022 has a lot of potential for disappointment as this pandemic seems to be unending.

But, I’ve got a silly tendency to believe in the magic of this world. I know there are more wonderful moments left to be had.

I’ve got a lot more living to do too.

Besides…

Next year’s gonna be better than this year
Next year’s gonna be better than this cause
New Year’s Eve comin’ with a fresh kiss and
Next year’s gonna be better than this year
Next year’s gonna be better than this year
Next year’s gonna be better than this cause
New Year’s Eve comin’ with a fresh kiss and
Next year’s gonna be better than this

Next year’s my come up
I’ve been lackin’ but I can feel that it’s the one
All the last three-sixty-five-one sucked
Like God group texted the world and dumped us
Bah, bah, bah, you better watch my bounce back
I’ma be the man in here
Glass to the sky, like we tryna grab the chandelier
I’d like to take this opportunity and toast to me
For bein ‘exactly who I’m supposed to be
‘Cause life is gonna do what life does

I don’t wanna look back and regret who I was
Let go of the expectations and then fire one
Forget the tally sheet before all my time’s up
And I know I gotta roll with it
I’m well aware the universe doesn’t owe me shit
I know that all of this pain leads the growth, I think
That next year’s gonna be better than this (let’s go)

I’m still an optimist, yeah
I got a lot to live on time
Ain’t foolin ‘that shit’
‘Cause next year’s gonna be better than, better than (go)

Next year’s gonna be better than this year (woo)
Next year’s gonna be better than this’ cause
New Year’s Eve comin ‘with a fresh kiss and
Next year’s gonna be better than this

I’m sick of missin’ out, sick of the fear and doubt
I’ma get spiritual soon, live in the here and now
Alone in my room, but you gon’ hear me loud
And clear, let’s start it at the top of the year
I want one last cigarette, one last sip of it
One last secret, one last little bit
One last upper, one last sedative
One last supper with the devil and his relatives
And I was gonna change my ways
I was just waitin’ for that day to pull myself up out of that page
Run that route and make a play, so sick of sittin’ on the bench
It’s finally to get in shape and livin’ like a scrimmage
Thinkin’ that I’ll get another day now, no
I ain’t waitin’ for coach, marchin’ band
I’ma throw and parade in my zone, goddamn
Man in the mirror finally got on, fuckin’ next year
The time is now to press go and I’m gone

I’m still an optimist, yeah (uh-huh)
I got a lot to live on time (yes)
Ain’t foolin ‘that shit’
‘Cause next year’s gonna be better than, better than (go)

Next year’s gonna be better than this year (woo)
Next year’s gonna be better than this’ cause
New Year’s Eve comin ‘with a fresh kiss, yeah
Next year’s gonna be better than this (again)
Next year’s gonna be better than this year (woo)
Next year’s gonna be better than this’ cause
New Year’s Eve comin’ with a fresh kiss and
Next year’s gonna be better than this
Let’s go

Next Years Gonna be Better Than This Year

Performed by Macklemore and Windser
Produced by Ryan Lewis
Songwriters: Ben Haggerty / Brian Wall / Ryan Lewis / Sam Hollander