The Bitch List

My mind is full right now. I’m stressed out. Thoughts are fuzzy. Having a blog can leave you a bit vulnerable. There’s some value in opening yourself up though – others can relate so you don’t feel so alone. So they don’t feel so alone too.

I want to be authentic with you. Yes, you. The people who are reading these very words.

I make an effort to balance sharing humorous anecdotes about travels or life with being real about real-life struggles. But sometimes, I don’t say things over concern about sounding whiny. I have a wonderful life and I don’t want to ever take away from that.

But let me set the bar for honesty. It’s all not sunshine and rainbows, pictures of beaches and posts about traveling.

I’m on the struggle train right now. Choo choo.

Here’s why:

• I haven’t been training for my half-marathon like I should and I feel like shit for it. I tell myself “Start Monday.” “Okay, start Wednesday.” “Dude. Get OUT of bed.” And another week has passed by where I missed another conditioning run.

• I haven’t been back to Weight Watchers since I got back from Portugal and Spain because…duh. Did you SEE the pictures of tapas and what I mentioned about not training as much as I should?

• I despise this time of year because of planning upcoming holidays with family. It always, always bring on a myriad of crappy feelings for me. Some, perhaps, I’ll write about soon.

• I’m working a lot, staying late, working on weekends and sleeping very little.

• I’m finding because of the above, I’m stressed out and have lost a bit of weight. Bonus?

• I have several posts written that I’m mulling over because I’m not sure how I’m coming across, even if it’s honest, because I may offend someone. Then I’m reminded of this:

• I’m a one-woman show! My site is a constant, constant work in progress. Maybe more than you know. I want the design of this site to be cleaner. I want my SEO to be better. I don’t get why Twitter is still the least clicked social media for my posts.

• I need to edit over 1,000 photos that I started a couple weeks back but haven’t gotten to because of work.

• I overthink things. Moving 1500 miles put some friendships in clear perspective. A majority of time, it’s a cathartic feeling to know the truth. Other days, it hurts and I question a zillion things. Perhaps, I’ll write about it soon.

• I’m at a weird “stage” where it’s tough to connect with women my age because I don’t often want the same things in this moment (or maybe ever) that they have. Like Coach purses, Tory Birch flats (Seriously. You paid how much?!), kids, a mortgage or stupid stick figures on the back of a minivan.

• Because I don’t have the above items, my contributions feel discounted. Forget if I work through another weekend, I don’t have kids so I couldn’t possibly be drained. But I AM ex-hausted.

• I’ve been struggling with the “b” words. Bossy and bitchy. Those two terms that come up when you’re confident in providing direction or being assertive. I get annoyed that I have to even think about that and then second guess myself. That’s come up a bit lately for me. Then I read something like this:

“What women need to understand is that the fear of being seen as “not nice” or bitchy comes from social messages about how they should behave. It’s the way men have gotten women to acquiesce for centuries. Just the thought of being considered less than nice makes a woman feel less than feminine. Each time you hesitate or avoid asking for what you want you’ve bowed to these messages. The vast majority of women could be more assertive and still be far from bitchy in reality. When you’re called that, it’s usually because you didn’t do what someone else wants –- in which case, kudos to you!”– Dr. Lois Frankel

So there you have it, my Bitch List. It all seemed to come to a bit of a head right now. One of my perceptive and hilarious girlfriends said I was just having an off week. I think she’s right.

This bossy bitch will take it in stride.